you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
