Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
