This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
