Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
