He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I touched a dick in church today
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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