It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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