Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
