If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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