Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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