remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
