I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
