I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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