im drinking this country out of the recession.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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