We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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