my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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