I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
