I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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