Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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