You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
