he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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