my phone needs a breathalizer
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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