Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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