Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
