I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
