then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
