Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
