i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize