Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
