i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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