thus making me awesome and them whores
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
