: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
