I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
