haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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