My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
