Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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