I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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