It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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