In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
