Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
