As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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