I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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