awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
