Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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