i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
