pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
