There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
