My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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