I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
