the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
false alarm, still single
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
