She is in my trunk
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
